Muddy Thoughts...

I feel so overwhelmed and it is really my own damn fault, I procrastinate like a mutta fucker then wonder why I am stressed. It is a NASTY habit I have, I think I may have A.D.D. but I sort of see that as an excuse for my behavior, it shouldn't be.
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I got to thinking today about the convo Sass had on her post about loneliness and it made me sort of sad. There are so many lonely people out there it's like what the hell are we all waiting for? I truly miss a presence in my bed, not just for the sexual but the little things. Sneaking your cold feet next to theirs just to shock them a little (extremely mean I know, but I just can't resist myself) feeling them turn over or snuggle up to you in the middle of the night. That comfort feeling you can't get in the bed by yourself. I miss the way my Ex used to kiss my shoulder or my arm while I was asleep or halfway asleep, he said I used to make the cutest mmmm sound when he did it and he loved it that's why he always did it. I miss squirting water in his face while we took a shower or playing with his hair when he laid in my lap, running my nails down his arm to watch him get the chills. We were comfortable, I was more comfortable with him than I had been with anyone in my life. I loved and learned, it took a great deal of strength to leave my comfort zone for my own good. He wasn't going to change and I wasn't in it to change him we both knew in the long run it just wasn't going to work out; we didn't have the time for each other. It was sad, it still makes me sad sometimes even though I know all I would have to do is make one phone call and he would be right back here; lying next to me, in my comfort zone...Sigh...

The loneness comes and goes; my good friend for Christmas got me a teddy bear to sleep with. She made a little candy raver necklace for it that reads "cuddle buddie" I am not really one for stuffed animals let alone sleeping with one but this one is just so damn cute and soft (that's important) that I can't resist. He is about 3 1/2 feet or more of squishiness and feels like chenille. It was the sweetest most thoughtful thing a friend did for me in a while... We had only had one very brief convo maybe 6 or 7 months before Christmas about me missing someone to cuddle with, she is very meaningful and her friendship has been so important to me. She has helped me in ways I can't even imagine. She restores my faith in humanity, strengthens my trust in the power of love, brightens my day and makes me want to be a better person. She is an amazing person,truly one of a kind. I am so blessed to have her in my life. Thank you Siouxsie!

So my toilet keeps running and it is driving my CRAZY like no other, it seems to be getting louder and louder, it sounds like a faucet dripping and pouring all at the same time...Even though it is a royal pain and inconvenience to bend down and shut the water flow off after every flush I do it anyway; at least until the next time I see the maintenance guy --which could be months-- but I live by myself and am Rarely home so the two or three times a day I might do it I guess is not so bad.

I started my own personal journal over the past year; I try to write down at least one thing a day that makes me smile, laugh or come to a realization for the better. Sometimes it is a quote, sometimes it happens in my random people watching or even while I am driving by something. So I was feeling a little down the other day and I opened it up to read past things. I can see the changes I have made over time and I think this has been a powerfully positive subconscious thing in my life, I am really glad I started it.

Well it's midnight and I still have 2 good hours of studying I must do before class at eight so I will stop procrastinating now and get to work...