Here goes...a little about me
Warning this may be a depressing post for some...or it may be nothing that really interests you, if so click next blog my feelings won’t be hurt.
This is about my Dad, I struggled with the idea of putting this up here or not mainly because it is something very personal to me. I write when I am hurt, it allows me to regurgitate how I feel and let go. It sort of feels like something consuming you and swirling around your head then you write it down and suddenly you feel better because it is somewhere other than your head. Or the frustration you feel towards someone and you feel better (even though it is not the best way to handle it) when you just yell, tell them how you feel. Well writing is me yelling...I have written many letters to people that were never delivered but I felt better still.
Because this is my stream of consciousness it may not flow very well or make much sense to someone outside of the relationship I have with my Dad or not knowing either of us...I am writing this because it is time, I don’t need sympathy or apologies that is not what I am after here but thank you in advance for your concern. I will be just fine. I just need to write to heal a little...
I mentioned in an earlier post that family can hurt you the worst. Well in my experience they can. My Dad has not exactly been the most supportive or honest person in my life. I feel rather guilty and cruel saying this but he makes it very hard for me to love him, I hate to say that "if" he were not my Dad I think that I would not have him in my life nor would I love him. To say that aloud is painful, it hurts my core to know that I feel that way about my own flesh and blood. I feel like it is turning my back on someone who is supposed to be a key person in your life...you know Daddy’s girl...sadly it was hard to feel that...
A little background; My parents split when I was 5...up until that point it had not been a happy marriage, both my parents were ummm 24 or 25 I think at that point, my mom had 3 kids (I was the baby and the only from my parents) My two other siblings have different Dads. Please don’t judge my mom on her choices, I love her dearly and she did the very best that she knew how, she is an amazingly strong woman.
I was born breech, butt first folded in half. I almost killed my mom, she nearly bled to death. I have some deep Indian and spiritual roots and my Aunt tells me this was me not wanting to me born. My mom’s entire pregnancy was rough with me and now in birth it continued. When they brought me home I had sleep apnea, I would stop breathing in my sleep. Attempts at suicide, maybe? My mom got a call from an Aunt late on night and she told my mom to run into my room because she could feel that I wasn’t breathing. She was right, she also told my mom to have me sleep in the same bed as her. I stopped doing that when I slept in my parents bed, maybe I felt safe? Don’t know...Then up until I was 5 (when they split) I was a very sick child. I had chronic kidney and bladder infections, I would get dangerously high fevers at the drop of a dime any random time day or night regularly and was rushed to the hospital at least once a month. I was hospitalized many times and the doctors never could figure out what was wrong with me, I was prodded and poked to no end...after my parents split it stopped completely. Bam. Gone. It was my bodies way of dealing with high stress. Deep Pain. I know cause it has since happened once or twice in my adult-ish life from certain traumas. I would say it has only been in the last 5 or 6 years that I have been able to remember things that happened in my life before the age of five. My mind blocked the pain away until I was ready to deal with it I suppose. After the divorce it didn’t get much easier, to put it plainly I was in custody battles from age 5 until age 12 or 13. That is a long time for two people to fight and hate each other in my book. I was stuck in the middle of it all.
How my Dad made me feel recently took me back to those times after our every other weekend visits where I would collapse in the entryway floor in my mother’s lap and cry for hours. I felt so alone and so guilty for so long. Art and poetry proved to be my only release. I remember there being a time when I would wish on falling stars, to Santa and on Birthday candles for my parents to get back together and make all the madness stop. Sort of pathetic I know but I was a kid and I truly felt like somehow it was all my fault. My mom would trash talk my Dad and my Dad would trash talk my mom, they would fight and argue over me, it was a vicious debilitating cycle. I remember my Dad verbally manipulating me in anyway that he could, he has always been a more selfish person. He would tell me that I never really loved him because I lived with my mom instead of him and how evil my mom was...it all really hurt. I was scared to say no to say yes to make any real choice because I so desperately needed to be loved by both my parents. I was extremely lost, confused and in pain for most of my years. I would pack a bag in the middle of the night to run away from it all and sit on the front porch crying for hours until sunrise because I had no where to go...this is just some of the crap that has made me and you know if given the chance I don’t think I would take any of it back. My trials have made me who I am today and they have molded me special. My background has been a driving force for me to be better and make the world better, it has matured me and shaped what I want to be when I grow up. I would not change any of it. It took a very long time for me to say that and really believe it, and you know there are still times when it hurts but I have to learn and move on. I know that given the circumstances my parents did the best they could with what they had to work with and it does no good to regret what has made me me. I have wished for a very long time now that my Dad would become a better person. Unfortunately he proved me wrong once again.
Since this is getting so long I will post the rest later.
This is about my Dad, I struggled with the idea of putting this up here or not mainly because it is something very personal to me. I write when I am hurt, it allows me to regurgitate how I feel and let go. It sort of feels like something consuming you and swirling around your head then you write it down and suddenly you feel better because it is somewhere other than your head. Or the frustration you feel towards someone and you feel better (even though it is not the best way to handle it) when you just yell, tell them how you feel. Well writing is me yelling...I have written many letters to people that were never delivered but I felt better still.
Because this is my stream of consciousness it may not flow very well or make much sense to someone outside of the relationship I have with my Dad or not knowing either of us...I am writing this because it is time, I don’t need sympathy or apologies that is not what I am after here but thank you in advance for your concern. I will be just fine. I just need to write to heal a little...
I mentioned in an earlier post that family can hurt you the worst. Well in my experience they can. My Dad has not exactly been the most supportive or honest person in my life. I feel rather guilty and cruel saying this but he makes it very hard for me to love him, I hate to say that "if" he were not my Dad I think that I would not have him in my life nor would I love him. To say that aloud is painful, it hurts my core to know that I feel that way about my own flesh and blood. I feel like it is turning my back on someone who is supposed to be a key person in your life...you know Daddy’s girl...sadly it was hard to feel that...
A little background; My parents split when I was 5...up until that point it had not been a happy marriage, both my parents were ummm 24 or 25 I think at that point, my mom had 3 kids (I was the baby and the only from my parents) My two other siblings have different Dads. Please don’t judge my mom on her choices, I love her dearly and she did the very best that she knew how, she is an amazingly strong woman.
I was born breech, butt first folded in half. I almost killed my mom, she nearly bled to death. I have some deep Indian and spiritual roots and my Aunt tells me this was me not wanting to me born. My mom’s entire pregnancy was rough with me and now in birth it continued. When they brought me home I had sleep apnea, I would stop breathing in my sleep. Attempts at suicide, maybe? My mom got a call from an Aunt late on night and she told my mom to run into my room because she could feel that I wasn’t breathing. She was right, she also told my mom to have me sleep in the same bed as her. I stopped doing that when I slept in my parents bed, maybe I felt safe? Don’t know...Then up until I was 5 (when they split) I was a very sick child. I had chronic kidney and bladder infections, I would get dangerously high fevers at the drop of a dime any random time day or night regularly and was rushed to the hospital at least once a month. I was hospitalized many times and the doctors never could figure out what was wrong with me, I was prodded and poked to no end...after my parents split it stopped completely. Bam. Gone. It was my bodies way of dealing with high stress. Deep Pain. I know cause it has since happened once or twice in my adult-ish life from certain traumas. I would say it has only been in the last 5 or 6 years that I have been able to remember things that happened in my life before the age of five. My mind blocked the pain away until I was ready to deal with it I suppose. After the divorce it didn’t get much easier, to put it plainly I was in custody battles from age 5 until age 12 or 13. That is a long time for two people to fight and hate each other in my book. I was stuck in the middle of it all.
How my Dad made me feel recently took me back to those times after our every other weekend visits where I would collapse in the entryway floor in my mother’s lap and cry for hours. I felt so alone and so guilty for so long. Art and poetry proved to be my only release. I remember there being a time when I would wish on falling stars, to Santa and on Birthday candles for my parents to get back together and make all the madness stop. Sort of pathetic I know but I was a kid and I truly felt like somehow it was all my fault. My mom would trash talk my Dad and my Dad would trash talk my mom, they would fight and argue over me, it was a vicious debilitating cycle. I remember my Dad verbally manipulating me in anyway that he could, he has always been a more selfish person. He would tell me that I never really loved him because I lived with my mom instead of him and how evil my mom was...it all really hurt. I was scared to say no to say yes to make any real choice because I so desperately needed to be loved by both my parents. I was extremely lost, confused and in pain for most of my years. I would pack a bag in the middle of the night to run away from it all and sit on the front porch crying for hours until sunrise because I had no where to go...this is just some of the crap that has made me and you know if given the chance I don’t think I would take any of it back. My trials have made me who I am today and they have molded me special. My background has been a driving force for me to be better and make the world better, it has matured me and shaped what I want to be when I grow up. I would not change any of it. It took a very long time for me to say that and really believe it, and you know there are still times when it hurts but I have to learn and move on. I know that given the circumstances my parents did the best they could with what they had to work with and it does no good to regret what has made me me. I have wished for a very long time now that my Dad would become a better person. Unfortunately he proved me wrong once again.
Since this is getting so long I will post the rest later.
posted by HuneeB at 11:57 AM
12
Darlin', no one deserves to feel like this. I'm so sorry for what you went through. My parents never seperated, but I grew up wishing they would've. Parents don't have to be divorced to trash talk each other, and it was hard. But, what you said is so true, we grow up learning not only what we want to be but what we don't want to be. My parents were great examples of what I wanted to never ever be like, and I do think it's made me into the person I am today. Not that the person I am is anything to brag about...but I've seen worse...and better. :) You've got a tenderness about you that comes from somewhere...and it's probably from all the tears you've shed.
love you.
oh, dude. *hugs*
write it out of your system, huneeb. Its why I started a blog and it worked. I wrote for several reasons. I saw her yesterday & there is so much less pain anymore. I wish you the very best.
I hope my cat-hug will help you feel more comforted about your past.
Kathi thank you, while no one deserves to feel like this I have to question if I would be who I am today without all of it? Not that I am the greatest person in the world or anything; I have so much more to learn and grow and reveal but my past and those relationships have molded me for good or bad they are a part of me whoever that turns out to be. I know that I could be worse given what I've gone thru but I also know I can become better, it's the better that I am working on.
H, you too? It is so glad to hear. I fought with the idea of posting this here because mainly I want my blog to be a happy place for me but lately my life has not been so happy and this is something very personal that I *think* not a lot of people would understand but maybe I am wrong and someone would read this and have some hope in their own circumstances.? Who knows, but writing has always helped me express myself in a better more articulate way.
Thom cat hug (well any kind of hugs) are always good. Thank you.(Good to see you around here, thought you deleted me there for a while, visit anytime...)
Hi HuneeB,
I just wanted to thank you for putting a link up to PostSecret...
one of the neatest, art communication, inspiring things I've seen in a while.
...off to buy postcards...
I'm so sorry that your dad has caused you such pain.
I totally understand the wanting to run away but having no place to go. Feeling helpless and hopeless is very defeating.
Hugs
the best part about this is having others who may or may not understand to bounce these things off of. Feedback ya know? Plus, write it just for you to purge if nothing else. I make a good listener, or in this case, a good reader.
Pinging.
Where are you...how are you?
how's my silly little mexican buddy today?
Helskel yeah I am addicted to Postsecret...every Sunday I have to check it out...
Snavylyn thanks babe! you know I think I have gotten to the point of all this that I can finally forgive and thank him. Some things still hurt but you know I know now that I cannot hold him to a level of love that I expect from a parent, his definition of love and my definition are completely different and I have accepted that, I am no longer going to hold out hope that he will change. I learned a long time ago that I cannot change a person and I am grateful to him for that.
Hubris, yeah feedback is always welcome sometimes it takes another person another perspective and someone impartial to give you insight, another POV is always welcome and heard around here!
Kathi I am okay, been spending lots of time with friends and my mom, I have been okay but just haven't had any alone time to type. I don't blog with other people around guess I am weird like that. Hugs mom!
Scum your silly Mexican buddy is good, I little sore from working in the yard but fabulous otherwise, hey thanks for asking!
Thank you Py, there is a lot to me and so much more to reveal...
..it took a long time to be able for those experiences not to define and take hold of me any more. Sometimes a window opens in my mind and my heart that reveals something and a path that leads to one of those experiences and that is when I decide what to do with that, whether I will allow it to break me or make me stronger or if I put it aside and suppress it. I am trying to lighten my load so much more and forgive, learning how to not let the painful memory of that experience not affect you still can be challenging. but I guess that is what finding yourself and growing is all about. I can't wait for the day that I declare I am free from all that bondage!
Thanks :)
I think that I had some closure of sorts yesterday...will post it
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