Pain
Then I read Kathi's post about pain...
so I pulled out the book and started to read, I didn't get very far into it before deciding to stop otherwise I would be left in a mess of tears and all alone. I did however choose one I read to share, I wrote it sometime in 98 to 00, I didn't happen to date this one but I can tell from the paper it's on and my handwriting it was sometime around there. It is a stream of conscious thought.
One set of footprints in the sand?
Chill.
I feel so sad, immense.
A whole in my heart and I'm not sure why
Deep breaths and waterfall eyes
It's been so long since I cried.
Alone. Empty. I sit.
So much pain, destined to fail
I can't handle it,
Doesn't anything come easy?
I fell down Niagara Falls, why didn't I die?
I need help
I want warm, open arms...
Someone to say, "There, there baby cry on me"
I am tired. Tired of being a rock.
I am going to crack.
Maybe writing will help.
All I need is love.
Good at hiding it. Overwhelming. Suffering.
I cry.
Maybe it will help.
It happens in 3's, 3 lost in 2 months.
It never works out, when do I gain?
Alone my whole life?
Shaking.
Different from the rest, I search for what?
I always fail.
Never finish, two cups short.
Is it the past, my present, or am I just scared of the future?
Am I the bad one? I can't live with myself?
My work is never good enough.
I feel so sad, ashamed to cry...Why?
Tired of being alone, when do I get to be whole?
Shattered glass.
Disappear.
Taught to hide the pain
Tired.
Tired of being last.
A financial burden even on myself.
When can I learn?
Where are open arms?
Sore nose and sniffles.
I am empty.
Can't let them hear me sob,
Thin walls.
Hell. Spiral downwards.
Suicidal. No just tired.
Not too sure why I cry, infantile.
Too proud to ask, too stubborn to give up.
So I sit in the same place on my rock until someone asks.
Genuine. Relax.
Why I fell.
Dark with cold hands I feel the water down my cheeks and watch my breath of empty smoke.
I feel so sad.
Help.
posted by HuneeB at 11:53 PM
11
Sorry if I took you to a dark place. However, the poem...you put words to emotions that are raw and so relateable. Good stuff, even if it came from a bad place.
*sigh*
i'm so there
Send me the details of your brother's need for a liver and I'll see what strings I can pull with the Big Guy.
Kathi no don't feel bad you didn't take me to this place, cleaning has. It has been a place I need to address and heal for a while, in time I will and becuase I am human and a woman sharing helps :) So THANK YOU for making me face it!
Thom; HONEY get of of the sad place! You can't be there I won't allow it! Come join the happy place with me ;) (the grass is greener)
Thanks for sharing
can't have the happy place, unless you've visited the sad place.
yin and yang. they coexist for the simple reason that we can't appreciate things without it.
lovely writing, my dear. thank you for sharing
elle: well put.
sometimes you just have to write that stuff down to let it go. and then somehow it lives in the words and reminds you just a little.
it's why i save letters...
props to you for reading some of it, do you feel a bit healed?
Shy; Wow that is amazing! I will talk to my brother this week and see what info he has; I believe that he still has some more testing to do...but I will see! Thank you so much for putting that out there! I am blessed sometimes :)
Kristen; sure hun sharing is caring, I know that there are def. times where all you want to do is reach out and hope that you are not alone, hope that there is someone out there feeling like you do...maybe someone out there can connect with this and it might help in some way?..who knows...I'll do lots more sharing in time.
Elle; yeah it's the awkwardness of it all that I hate, sometimes I feel like damn it I have had enough of the sad place why can't I just have some happy without so much work? I know what sad is already...can't I just have happy from now on? But I also know that is not the way life works...oh well I can hope.
Sass; you know it's why I save those things too, sometimes it does really help to sit back and read them. I think I was a little saddened when I read all this, then I thought about how hard i've fought to get to this point and I think that lifted the load a little. I still have tons more exploring and healing to do, my scars are deep in some places and I know that I will never be perfect nor do I strive for that I just want to be better. It will be a continual thing...it did feel a little better to share :)
Thanks for all the comments they make me stupidly happy in some weird way...
:)
Don't stop writing!
I like to write a little myself other than my normal posts. Other than that, Elle & Sass covered my thoughts pretty well. Write it out. Write it again and over and over. I found that really helped.
-Hubris
sometimes there's beauty in sadness. i've been in this fuckin rut since january, but around a month ago i've started to see the hidden beauty in the whole breakdown (woooo, cliche line). but it's true.
and i'm with hubris! don't stop writing!!
damn. you haven't posted in a while. why?
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