holding it dear...hiding it under the bed

I feel the need to release a few things about myself... thing's I've never shared with anyone...

I guess it's a lot easier to do when you know no one really visits your blog anymore...

I didn't realize it until this year but I am very much an introvert. I tend to remain quite and open up to a select few people. I never really thought I was until I talked about it with a very good friend. She asked me why it took so long to break my wall, in all honesty I didn't think I had a wall. She said that it's not so much a wall as I am fairly subtle about things. I express myself well just do so in a more quite manner. I mulled this over for quite some time and really tried to get to the root of it. Insecurity? yeah I suppose some of it was... pain? definitely has a roll in there too... trust? yeah that one too. I went through custody battles between my parents from the time I was 5 until the time I was 13 or so, I felt like a pawn for child support a rag doll or trophy of "winning". Sad really but my parents couldn't work it out. My mom did her best but things I would tell her in privacy would be used against me and my dad was a master at manipulation so I learned to toughen up, shut my mouth and hold it all in. I lived in a sea of my own pain and suffering for a long time because I lacked the trust and parent-child bond that some have. I never really felt loved by either of them which I can't say they didn't love me, they did, it just never felt true in my own heart. Harder to put into a coherent sentence but I think that this is really the root of how I became quite.

I gave up on my dad. I wrote my step-mom/dad and told them that I can't handle a relationship with him right now and that I have finally accepted the fact that he will never really love me the way I expect a parent to love a child. I am simply tired of being the adult in the relationship. I am okay with my decision but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. For quite a few months this decision haunted me and lurked, was I doing exactly what he has done to other family in the past? If anything was I not learning from him but repeating behavior? Is it fair to give up on your own father? After all he is the only biological dad I have...I know blood is thicker than water but at what point is it okay for me to walk away from such an obviously unhealthy union? I know if something were to happen to him that I would feel awful, he IS my father, I DO love him, I just can't have him in my life. It's okay and perfectly acceptable to walk away from someone so negative in your life outside of family but not family, why?? But then again what makes it okay for family to treat you in such a way? I got tired of hurting. Tired of saving face and going through the motions. For many years I let him manipulate me and talk me down. Can I blame him?...he lacked a father figure in his own life, his dad walked out on his family when my dad was very young and he held onto that hate for him I would say until at least a year ago, seriously. But on the other hand wouldn't a true testament to love be showing him that I can love him in spite himself? But why is that my burden to bear, is it really a burden or a gift?...see how torn I get? He could guilt trip me into submission and then one day I just stopped caring. I didn't need his approval, his opinion was taken less to heart and matter even less and some things I didn't even discuss with him. I have never really felt like my dad knows who I am despite my efforts to reveal. I have reached out to him on different occasions only to be let down, laughed at or tuned out. The truth is I had more influential, positive, and caring/loving people in my life outside of him, people who would/could and did love me more than my own father. I've come to terms with the fact that he will always be a selfish man, if he does love me more than his own self interests than he was never good at expressing it, and I am sorry that I never understood his effort to. I learned to love from him. I learned what I will and won't do as a parent if that day ever happens. I learned that in giving you truly receive. Thank you Dad for teaching me how to love, for breaking my heart so that it can expend that much more.

My mom had a tough life, not to say she wasn't a contributing factor in it all, but regardless she had a tough life. Three babies before she was 21, all three by different men. A baby raising a babies she went through her own struggles emotionally and physically. She didn't have a much of a childhood as you can imagine and that definitely reflected on us and her ability to raise us as we got older and into Jr High/High School. She was great when we were younger, we were well mannered, well behaved children. The one thing that always stood in the way was we were much older than our age. By fifth grade I was cooking dinner for a family of 6 every week night. We all had daily chores to keep the house spotless, and were all pretty self sufficient in everyday functioning because for a good part of the time we were latch key kids, held accountable by the wrath of our mother and fear of her and there were a lot of us... four kids in total not counting my cousins who hung around a lot more when we were all younger. This freedom became a real big problem for me and my mother as I got older. I rejected her limits because I felt like I had earned it. I felt like I had held a good part of this dysfunctional family together and stepped up when it was needed yet little things like going to a football game at a school that was no more than four blocks away became an all out battle. My mom I think was afraid I was going to turn out like her 3 kids before a diploma even tho I hadn't even had sex at that point, she still treated me like I spread like butter. The other thing you have to understand about my mother is she was diagnosed bi-polar. She had extreme highs and extreme lows. Blackouts that I really couldn't recognize as blackouts until I was into my high school years and understood it a little better. Really I feel was lucky to walk away at 17 with no broken bones and as stable as I had. As I get older we have a much healthier relationship, we've forgiven, cried and laughed about the old times, apologized and let things lay for now. Another thing that I've come to realize about my mother is that she can see and feel things that not many can. Things I have felt/saw myself and some things I hope I never see/feel. I don't expect for anyone to understand or comprehend what I am talking about or even believe me for that matter but I think it lies in our Indian heritage and roots and my mother is a receiver of a lot of things. Because I internally recognized that I can relate to her on some of this it scared the HELL out of me for a long time. I felt like I was going to be "crazy" just like her, that maybe I was bi-polar too. I remember the depression I felt, deeper than anything I had ever because I feared being like my mother. As I get older I think less of the diagnoses of her bi-polar and more of the fact that maybe that was just a small part of it all... I still feel a little scared that my mid-to-late twenties I will go crazy but that fear is compared to my fear of spiders, minute. I know that I am in control of myself and my actions. That no one can change that and that I am in full control of my destiny and who I am. I also learned that I can be or do anything I put my mind to, I can overcome any mental demon I face.

I've learned that seizing the moment takes time and practice, it's not instantaneous, and there are no coincidences, it's intuition that you either choose to listen to, or to ignore. Everything and everyone happens in your life for a reason.

I learned that I can be a work-a-holic. Sometimes it's healthy because I always land on my feet, sometimes it's not because it becomes my excuse; my reason for not achieving my true potential or facing something in my life. I'm too busy because of work...everyone accepts that answer most of the time. I work sometimes because I fear failure.

I am learning to live life and not let life live me. I am learning that hard work does pay off and sometimes it doesn't, that I can't hide behind it (work) because WHATEVER I am hiding from I will eventually have to face.

I've learned either you are or you aren't.

One of the most important things you can have is your word, always honor your word. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

Everyone deserves the respect of being heard and treated like a human being. It's amazing the kindness you receive when you show a little kindness back and treat people with respect, true respect not just a facade of it because people really can tell the difference. Talk about flood gates...

My stubbornness really can get the better of me sometimes.

I am REALLY good at putting on a good face, even when I am torn to pieces inside. I want to learn to soften up, to not have such a strong wall, to open up more, because if I can wow my possibilities really are endless.

I have to work on being a brat. I was the baby (well sort of, I was my mom's baby) of the family so I think I got away with a lot more than my siblings. I was a brat too. It's ingrained in my personality in subtle ways and sometimes I can recognize when I am being a brat. This I think goes hand in hand with being extremely stubborn when I set my mind to something and coming from a really sarcastic family as well...my DNA makeup for being a brat. While not all entirely negative attributes they are things I want to work on in myself because the last thing I want to be is a brat.

Sometimes I give up on myself before I even start because I don't want to fail and I take the easier, lazy road. This is not something I like about myself at all.

It makes me emotional when someone says they love me or are proud of me and I can tell that they really mean it. I think that I worked so hard in the shadows of a big family that little accomplishments went unnoticed easily. To hear someone say it and mean it makes me wanna cry sometimes. I wonder sometimes if this is me finally allowing someone else to love me, to open up enough to accept the same love I so easily give away. I try my hardest to wear my heart on my sleeve, no one can take my ability to love away from me and I never want to be callous with it.

I've learned that if I don't treat myself with respect no one else will either. To love myself and accept myself. Of course this is a work in progress...

I am more than some twenty something trying to fulfill some falsehood fantasy or being perfect, living to perfection and having it "all", whatever that may be... I am so much more than that. I know I am flawed, I can accept that fully. There will always be things I may need help with, lessons to learn...

I have so much to learn, so much still to go.