Goofy

I am so excited for the party! I hope that everything goes smoothly and works out... and that no one falls in my shower this time/gets hurt/or no one (my neighbors) call the cops... :) Maybe I'll post pictures when I get them... maybe not. We'll see.

I feel sort of goofy today... it's so much better than yesterday, I had a funk cloud hangin around me, my second job was especially painful to sit at but today was nice and it's Friday!!

I have a ton of stuff to do tonight before the party, I hope that I can get it all done in time.

I got a rug burn on my elbow getting out of my car... still not quite sure how I managed that one...takes talent I guess.

I invited a boy to the party but my friends are making a bigger deal out of it than me... I don't see anything in this one, maybe a friendship which is perfectly fine with me. He is a shameless flirt, seriously. SHAMELESS. when I gave him my number and invited him to the party he did a vute little dance and chanted "I got a pretty girls number". I turned a little red I think.

In other news...

I am taking another trip up to WA for a wedding, family from all over the United States will be there, I guess it is sort of a big deal, we'll see how that goes...

holding it dear...hiding it under the bed

I feel the need to release a few things about myself... thing's I've never shared with anyone...

I guess it's a lot easier to do when you know no one really visits your blog anymore...

I didn't realize it until this year but I am very much an introvert. I tend to remain quite and open up to a select few people. I never really thought I was until I talked about it with a very good friend. She asked me why it took so long to break my wall, in all honesty I didn't think I had a wall. She said that it's not so much a wall as I am fairly subtle about things. I express myself well just do so in a more quite manner. I mulled this over for quite some time and really tried to get to the root of it. Insecurity? yeah I suppose some of it was... pain? definitely has a roll in there too... trust? yeah that one too. I went through custody battles between my parents from the time I was 5 until the time I was 13 or so, I felt like a pawn for child support a rag doll or trophy of "winning". Sad really but my parents couldn't work it out. My mom did her best but things I would tell her in privacy would be used against me and my dad was a master at manipulation so I learned to toughen up, shut my mouth and hold it all in. I lived in a sea of my own pain and suffering for a long time because I lacked the trust and parent-child bond that some have. I never really felt loved by either of them which I can't say they didn't love me, they did, it just never felt true in my own heart. Harder to put into a coherent sentence but I think that this is really the root of how I became quite.

I gave up on my dad. I wrote my step-mom/dad and told them that I can't handle a relationship with him right now and that I have finally accepted the fact that he will never really love me the way I expect a parent to love a child. I am simply tired of being the adult in the relationship. I am okay with my decision but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. For quite a few months this decision haunted me and lurked, was I doing exactly what he has done to other family in the past? If anything was I not learning from him but repeating behavior? Is it fair to give up on your own father? After all he is the only biological dad I have...I know blood is thicker than water but at what point is it okay for me to walk away from such an obviously unhealthy union? I know if something were to happen to him that I would feel awful, he IS my father, I DO love him, I just can't have him in my life. It's okay and perfectly acceptable to walk away from someone so negative in your life outside of family but not family, why?? But then again what makes it okay for family to treat you in such a way? I got tired of hurting. Tired of saving face and going through the motions. For many years I let him manipulate me and talk me down. Can I blame him?...he lacked a father figure in his own life, his dad walked out on his family when my dad was very young and he held onto that hate for him I would say until at least a year ago, seriously. But on the other hand wouldn't a true testament to love be showing him that I can love him in spite himself? But why is that my burden to bear, is it really a burden or a gift?...see how torn I get? He could guilt trip me into submission and then one day I just stopped caring. I didn't need his approval, his opinion was taken less to heart and matter even less and some things I didn't even discuss with him. I have never really felt like my dad knows who I am despite my efforts to reveal. I have reached out to him on different occasions only to be let down, laughed at or tuned out. The truth is I had more influential, positive, and caring/loving people in my life outside of him, people who would/could and did love me more than my own father. I've come to terms with the fact that he will always be a selfish man, if he does love me more than his own self interests than he was never good at expressing it, and I am sorry that I never understood his effort to. I learned to love from him. I learned what I will and won't do as a parent if that day ever happens. I learned that in giving you truly receive. Thank you Dad for teaching me how to love, for breaking my heart so that it can expend that much more.

My mom had a tough life, not to say she wasn't a contributing factor in it all, but regardless she had a tough life. Three babies before she was 21, all three by different men. A baby raising a babies she went through her own struggles emotionally and physically. She didn't have a much of a childhood as you can imagine and that definitely reflected on us and her ability to raise us as we got older and into Jr High/High School. She was great when we were younger, we were well mannered, well behaved children. The one thing that always stood in the way was we were much older than our age. By fifth grade I was cooking dinner for a family of 6 every week night. We all had daily chores to keep the house spotless, and were all pretty self sufficient in everyday functioning because for a good part of the time we were latch key kids, held accountable by the wrath of our mother and fear of her and there were a lot of us... four kids in total not counting my cousins who hung around a lot more when we were all younger. This freedom became a real big problem for me and my mother as I got older. I rejected her limits because I felt like I had earned it. I felt like I had held a good part of this dysfunctional family together and stepped up when it was needed yet little things like going to a football game at a school that was no more than four blocks away became an all out battle. My mom I think was afraid I was going to turn out like her 3 kids before a diploma even tho I hadn't even had sex at that point, she still treated me like I spread like butter. The other thing you have to understand about my mother is she was diagnosed bi-polar. She had extreme highs and extreme lows. Blackouts that I really couldn't recognize as blackouts until I was into my high school years and understood it a little better. Really I feel was lucky to walk away at 17 with no broken bones and as stable as I had. As I get older we have a much healthier relationship, we've forgiven, cried and laughed about the old times, apologized and let things lay for now. Another thing that I've come to realize about my mother is that she can see and feel things that not many can. Things I have felt/saw myself and some things I hope I never see/feel. I don't expect for anyone to understand or comprehend what I am talking about or even believe me for that matter but I think it lies in our Indian heritage and roots and my mother is a receiver of a lot of things. Because I internally recognized that I can relate to her on some of this it scared the HELL out of me for a long time. I felt like I was going to be "crazy" just like her, that maybe I was bi-polar too. I remember the depression I felt, deeper than anything I had ever because I feared being like my mother. As I get older I think less of the diagnoses of her bi-polar and more of the fact that maybe that was just a small part of it all... I still feel a little scared that my mid-to-late twenties I will go crazy but that fear is compared to my fear of spiders, minute. I know that I am in control of myself and my actions. That no one can change that and that I am in full control of my destiny and who I am. I also learned that I can be or do anything I put my mind to, I can overcome any mental demon I face.

I've learned that seizing the moment takes time and practice, it's not instantaneous, and there are no coincidences, it's intuition that you either choose to listen to, or to ignore. Everything and everyone happens in your life for a reason.

I learned that I can be a work-a-holic. Sometimes it's healthy because I always land on my feet, sometimes it's not because it becomes my excuse; my reason for not achieving my true potential or facing something in my life. I'm too busy because of work...everyone accepts that answer most of the time. I work sometimes because I fear failure.

I am learning to live life and not let life live me. I am learning that hard work does pay off and sometimes it doesn't, that I can't hide behind it (work) because WHATEVER I am hiding from I will eventually have to face.

I've learned either you are or you aren't.

One of the most important things you can have is your word, always honor your word. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

Everyone deserves the respect of being heard and treated like a human being. It's amazing the kindness you receive when you show a little kindness back and treat people with respect, true respect not just a facade of it because people really can tell the difference. Talk about flood gates...

My stubbornness really can get the better of me sometimes.

I am REALLY good at putting on a good face, even when I am torn to pieces inside. I want to learn to soften up, to not have such a strong wall, to open up more, because if I can wow my possibilities really are endless.

I have to work on being a brat. I was the baby (well sort of, I was my mom's baby) of the family so I think I got away with a lot more than my siblings. I was a brat too. It's ingrained in my personality in subtle ways and sometimes I can recognize when I am being a brat. This I think goes hand in hand with being extremely stubborn when I set my mind to something and coming from a really sarcastic family as well...my DNA makeup for being a brat. While not all entirely negative attributes they are things I want to work on in myself because the last thing I want to be is a brat.

Sometimes I give up on myself before I even start because I don't want to fail and I take the easier, lazy road. This is not something I like about myself at all.

It makes me emotional when someone says they love me or are proud of me and I can tell that they really mean it. I think that I worked so hard in the shadows of a big family that little accomplishments went unnoticed easily. To hear someone say it and mean it makes me wanna cry sometimes. I wonder sometimes if this is me finally allowing someone else to love me, to open up enough to accept the same love I so easily give away. I try my hardest to wear my heart on my sleeve, no one can take my ability to love away from me and I never want to be callous with it.

I've learned that if I don't treat myself with respect no one else will either. To love myself and accept myself. Of course this is a work in progress...

I am more than some twenty something trying to fulfill some falsehood fantasy or being perfect, living to perfection and having it "all", whatever that may be... I am so much more than that. I know I am flawed, I can accept that fully. There will always be things I may need help with, lessons to learn...

I have so much to learn, so much still to go.

Picture Time

Her little Buddah belly is just so cute

She is just too much, you can't help but love her!

Alana is my little chunky monkey!

She got her curly hair from her daddy :)

She's so cute I just wanna squeeze her!!

Flatlined?

So I am not dead...yet. (thanks Kathi for being concerned, love you for that!) I have been on the go, on the go like it's going out of style. So much so that to spend anything more than 7 hours (including sleeping and showering) at my home is a true rarity.

So much has gone on since November that I am not really sure where to start or end for that matter. At the moment I am good. I work like a mad woman and tend to end my Monday through Friday in exhaustion. I squeeze in laundry, grocery shopping, and the normal everyday errands when I can; be it 4 or 5 am, 11:30 pm or on my lunch break...the title of busy bee suits me lately. So I guessed (well it wasn't really a guess more like a whole lot of financial reading and keeping up on records and stock) the company I work for is closing up shop. Yep I loose my job in March...well one of my jobs. The other job is a contract job that ends in April but has already opened some possible doors that I am excited about...loosing my main job scares me a bit. I get paid very well for it being in Santa Barbara and the amount of work that I do... the job market here just sucks so it may be a challenge finding something that is as cake as this place. The other job well it works for now, not what I want to do in the long run but good for me, I am diversifying my resume even more and getting some great experience. I work 30 hours a week at this job and 40 at my main one; so far I haven't fallen dead yet but I have overslept twice by 30 minutes, luckily they don't mind so much and are really understanding about my schedule. Guess hard work does pay off sometimes.

I've been going thru a cleansing lately. I am disgusted by my accumulation of stuff and consumerism. I am going back to simplicity and cleaning house. I just have too much crap and it is driving me crazy. I sold some of my furniture and this weekend plan to sell more of it. I don't need much and actually like the idea of being able to pack my stuff in my car if need be. Honestly do I really need 6 pairs of Jordan sneakers when I haven't worn them in I don't know 3 years? NO I don't! and I really don't need so many pairs of jeans or kitchen gadgets, sheet sets, computers, books, candle holders and just plain stuff that people have given me over the years. I have had the urge to rid me of all this stuff including my long ass hair. I made a final decision to chop it all off in the summer, it's just too long now and I go thru so much conditioner it's just ridiculous! I am so low maintenance that even brushing out the knots has been annoying. Trust me my hair knots up easily because it is thick, straight and long and I live near the beach so it's like a double whammy. I can grab my hair and stretch out my arms to full span and still not touch the ends of my hair...so I am going to chop it all off and it is going to be fantastic! I'll donate it to locks of love like I usually do when I cut a substantial amount and I'll be free.

Wonder if that is what all this is about, feeling tied down and wanting to be free...free from what tho? Aren't I the only one who can tie me down? I've done a lot of soul searching from September and have gone thru an inner mental roller coaster. So much. So much.

I am loving being an Auntie, she is so beautiful but it makes me sad that I don't get to see her that much and even sadder that my sister is choosing to stay in a very unhealthy relationship. I rack my brain to figure out why, did she not learn anything from my mom? Does she not believe in herself? Has he mentally broken her down to a point where she just stays? Doesn't she want more?..if not for her sake, for the sake of the beautiful baby she now has... either way I just don't get it. It hurts me to see her like this.

So I went up to my brother's during Christmas to the big family thing that was going on and he told me that he is bisexual. I am the only one in the family who knows, I wonder when he will tell anyone else. I wonder how my mom will take it. I sort of knew, just kind of always knew. I told him that it didn't matter to me at all and I love him regardless of his sexual preference. Who he chooses to sleep with does not define who he is and never will. It was kind of cool because I got to talk with him a little about the stigmas that surround being bisexual and we talked about my concerns. All I ask is that he respects himself enough to be safe. He talked about how he felt in his heart about it and the struggle it has caused for him. (He got his masters in theology and planned to become a pastor for a good part of his life...see the complications there...) I think it was good for him to tell me. I love him regardless, funny thing is he was scared of my reaction...not really sure why but he was. Hell if anyone in the family would have a reaction it wouldn't be me, I've probably been to more gay pride festivals and clubs, and have more gay friends than he does. I am very accepting of anybody, I even have a transvestite prostitute friend that walks my street that I've made friends with. Hell I even kick her/him down a plate of food and a beer every once in a while. He calls himself Nicole and actually has an amazing life story so far. It's really heart wrenching/eye opening the things that people will do to advance and survive. Nicole is an illegal immigrant and I can't even fathom sometimes the things done to be able to live in a free country. Nicole even goes to college during the day to learn English and get an education. It really puts things into perspective to listen to other people's stories. I love it. I love meeting new people and just listening, getting in their head and exploring a bit. I really do love it.

Wow this isn't really the post I intended to write but it's what's flowing so I'll run with it.

December was a month of traveling for me, I had a great time and got to see family and friends that I haven't seen in YEARS! January flew by, I am still wondering what happened to that month and February is proving to be the same...

I'm having a huge party at my house for Valentines day (actually the weekend after v-day) Three of us are planning it and have maybe 50 people coming from all different groups of friends and walks of life. It should be interesting. Last year we did it and had a blast, this year it is much more planned out and lots more people are invited so we'll see how it all works out. I think it will be fine.

I've been to a ton of concerts since November, I love live music!

I have a few things in the works as far as living situations and jobs that I don't want to talk about just yet but am very excited about. I hope they all fall into place, I really do.

So yeah I haven't flat lined just have been too caught up to sit and write. I sort of miss this...

Kathi thank you for being concerned and mothering me, I really do love it. It makes me happy!

Hubris I am bummed that you stopped blogging about the same time I did, hope you are doing well.

Sass sucks I got x'd from your list but ehh you cleaned house, I understand. I still read but you don't blog as much any more either.

Py thanks for being you and sending me emails now and again, they really do brighten my day.

Elle I hope your family is okay and things settle down a bit for you.

Nat (hugs) cause you can never have too many. :)

Othercat, wow the whole thing with your vision was scary! I am so glad that you had the expertise of good doctors and you are back on to recovery! I can't even imagine loosing your vision so quickly.

Wedding Party, miss you guys.

Meltdown, yeah miss you guys too...gotta wonder if there was some asteroid that hit Seattle that I didn't hear about. I really hope that you all are doing okay? shoot me an email every once in a while so I don't worry!

Speaking of missing; what happened to Blondie? Dude hope you are okay?

Same with Thom. I really miss reading your stories, they are fantastic and about your life. (hug)

Helskel and Sullen you guys rock, just have to tell you that. :)

Menace what's this business with you missing, are you White Devil now or what?

Madame X, I don't think that you read me like at all but I gotta say I love your mom/you conversations. Some of them are knee slapping funny!

Did I forget anyone? Hope not.