Breathe... hack.... breathe... cough.. wheaze

Okay well I thought yesterday that I was finally feeling better, I only hacked minimal and I didn't feel that bad only tired...so I went ahead and work a 12 hour day at my job. Yeah now I am beat, and just when I thought that I was doing better and not coughing I go and hack all night boo!

So last Friday my washing machine decided to be a bastard yet again! My last load of laundry before I left for the weekend and it poops out on me, it went thru the entire cycle and then stops at the spin cycle and won't drain...WTF? I think I am cursed with that machine...it seems like there is always a problem with something...the electrical, the draining, the machine! Oy! As much as I love doing laundry at my own house I fear that possibly it is just not meant to be. This house is really old and hasn't had a washing machine in at least 13 years or so... I have a guy coming out today sometime between 9 and 12 to look at it. Don't you just love the time frames they give you only to show up two hours after their 3-4 hour windows? I mean what is that...too bad it's not like pizza...3-4 hours delivery guarantee and then it's free. Oh well so I will blog and pay my bills, blah. I just want to go back to bed.

I went up to the Bay Area last weekend. My sister's tummy got sooooo big! She really rounded out her stomach. The doctors told her that she is going to have a 10-12 lb baby! Oh holy hell that is a big baby, it makes me cringe just thinking about it. She has an appointment to see a nutritionist soon since the doc told her that she has developed gestational diabetes.

Diabetes is REALLY common in my family, it runs in both sides. In fact at 23 my older brother was diagnosed with it, he is insulin dependant :( I remember a doctor looked at my family history and told me that if I don't eat right that I am guaranteed to get it...so I do my best to eat right. Course what do doctors know they also thought I had leukemia and/or cancer when I was 11, (They were wrong thank God).

I am getting an itch to cut off all my hair. My hair has been down to my waist since I was little, most of my life it's been extremely long. When I graduated high school I cut it to my shoulders then I cut it into a bob then I cut it shorter...see the trend... I was breaking free from it all. I cut it into a really cute flippy cut where at the longest in the back it was an inch and a half maybe...think Josie and the Pussycats hair. Then I let it grow again... (it grows REALLY fast!) and chopped it all off again, grow...chop...etc, and now it is back long at that point where it is almost too long to do anything with and it just gets in the way. I have donated it every time to Locks of Love. I really like that they make wigs for kids (well except the first time cause I forgot, I was too excited to be cutting it off) It's been two years since I really cut any substantial length off and my hair almost touches the top of my jeans...maybe an inch shy. Two years ago it was shoulder length. Yeah it grows that fast. I think maybe I will let it get a little longer before the next chop, I want it to be a little warmer cause yeah as weird as it sounds I am way colder with it all gone and winter's coming...well winter for this place. I think that I want a pixie hair cut this next time, it would be fun! I can grab the end of my hair and extend my arms out fully with only my fingers bent...that's how long it is right now. The only thing nice about it this long is that I can wrap it up in a bun and tuck it into itself to stay up; no rubber bands needed. :)

I got chewed out at work yesterday for not doing a daily report for the last couple of months. I hate that stupid thing and it is worthless so I had decided not to do it...took them this long to realize it! Ha I think I work under the worst management I have ever seen. It's worse than the blind leading the blind...they have NO clue what they are doing! I have really gotten to the point at my job where I don't give a shit. If we shut up shop tomorrow it would probably be a relief not to have to go back to that place. Then worry would set in cause this town is crap for finding a job that pays anything...

I wish they would vote in the living wage that they have been debating on for the past 4 years! According to a report published in the local papers I live below the poverty line...wow seriously? Cause I make a couple of bucks more than most people I work with and I don't have kids, they mostly do...wow. It's mostly cause the rent here is outrageous! I pay more in rent for a shitty little one bedroom place than my older brother does in mortgage for his three bedroom home in WA!!! What the hell? I gotta get outta here but ya know all over CA is getting expensive.

I really hope that I get into Cal Poly... I like the little beach town and it is still pretty doable to live there...we will see tho...I wouldn't be too disappointed if I got into Berkeley tho, I like it up there too. :) All in time, unforch this whole thing with my car is putting me back further from transferring...life happens I guess.

Tid bit; I had oatmeal for breakfast, it was yummy.

On Tuesday I took the day off and went down to the Staples center with two friends, they bought me a ticket to see the finale Contender match. If you know me at all you would know that I LOVE BOXING! I really do, whatever if it is not a traditional sport for a chick, I love boxing! I haven't seen the show at all cause well I don't have TV but she knew I would love to see the match anyway. The finale fight was ehhh, okay, not that exciting of a match but the last fight prior (there were like 4 before the final fight) was the best one we saw. That was so much fun! I absolutely love boxing...we plan to see a pro fight very soon! Hopefully the next title belt match in Vegas! Woo hoo!

My grass is growing! I am so excited! I have little patches all over! Can't wait to sit outside and walk around in bare feet on my grass :) Okay well that's all I got for now...and I am not spell checking cause Blogger is being slow and sucking right now...

Bubble

So yeah I have walking pneumonia! Hooray for me! It all stared three weeks (actually four now...wow) ago, I woke up with a sore throat...But it went away so I figured ehh it must be getting colder at night. My house has a tendency to get cold and I sleep with the windows open so I figured it was that...Morning sore throat lasted another 3 mornings with the window closed and one day with my voice gone a good portion of the day...That turned into a dry cough...Natural progression I figured no big deal...Then it turned into a hacking which quickly progressed into a deep lung butter cough. No good. I HATE DOCTORS! So I posponed this as long as I could doing everything I could, juices, teas, vitamins, cough drops, extra water, blah blah blah, it wasn't going away and in fact it was getting worse. It was more frequent and awful sounding but I didn't have the fever or the achy feeling...Actually I have a pretty high tolerance for this kind of thing so I may have and just not payed attention to my body. I eat very well and take care of myself so I usually don't get sick but this weird cough/hack was not going away and my friend started to pressure me to go to the docs...I knew it was time but I didn't want to...So last week I got really tired my body was exhausted and then I was out all weekend working in the yard, oh yeah and I am in a zone that happened to get all that falling ash from the fires so yeah smart me breathed all that in as well. Ash does a lungs good! (okay well not really) The cough is starting to prevent sleeping and is getting far more frequent and worse. Now this is just getting old, third week in my ears start to plug and my sinuses are now congested...I go to the doctors.

She tells me I have walking pneumonia and gives me some antibiotics, an inhaler, tells me to take Robitussin DM and get more sleep...Yeah! The antibiotics are making me nauseous, I do not like this.

This sucks all the normal prereq's for this crap to infect you I don't do;

Prolonged breathing of the same air like sleeping in the same room as someone infected...Well I sleep alone so that's not it and I am really obsessive about having clean sheets and towels...Actually I never use the same towel twice...Whatever I like clean...
I don't smoke
I don't share glasses or cups with anyone (yeah I have OCD)
I am narcotic at work about sanitizing my desk, phone and keyboard...
I constantly use hand sanitizer
I haven't gone around kissing or licking anyone...Nor have I let anyone lick or kiss me...So WTF? I am completely grossed out that someone's infected droplets somehow took me hostage, ACK! someone invaded my bubble!

Anyway I am going to take a scolding hot shower and back to bed before I have to go to work...
These antibiotics better work!
BLAH!

Sorry...

I have been staying pretty busy with working and getting out, I really didn't mean to keep such a depressing post up for so long but I haven't had much quite (or alone) time to type... I am good and things are working out okay. I am still borrowing my friends car and was really stressed about that but we talked about it and she told me not to worry, she is a really honest and straight forward person so I can count on her meaning what she says...I am very thankful for her. This weekend sadly went by WAY too fast!

Friday I went out with my neighbors...After I got home from work the boys knocked on my door to see if I wanted to go downtown with them to have a few drinks and play some darts. I went with them and had a blast. We all had a good time and then came back and all hung out for a while and then I went home and passed out with a pretty good buzz. Saturday I got up early (after being up late) and I took my really good friend to my stepdad's work picnic with me. She has never met my mom or my stepdad so this was pretty important to her...It was really nice the food was catered and we walked up to the waterfall. They had their picnic at a really nice park that has a creek and a pretty tall waterfall, it was the first time I had seen it. The weather on Saturday was wonderful! It was perfect weather...From there we went back to my house and started my relandscaping project that lasted a good portion of the weekend. We torn out a tree and two bushes very poorly planted in one area of my yard...Took a trip (that took way too long because I am so damn indecisive) to the garden store but they didn't have all the types of plants that I wanted so we just got a couple of things...We were tearing my yard up...There is a little area by my front door that we took out all the bricks because they were all misaligned and we reset them in the dirt, cleared out all the weeds in that area and preped it for the plants I want to put in. Then we stared the massive project of turning the dirt in the front of the house...I have an area of maybe 1,000 sq feet that for 13 or so years (I've only lived here a year and a half) has been nothing but solid compacted dirt. I watered the hell out of it for two days before to try to soften the dirt before we began shoveling. Us two girls out there torn it up we turned that entire area of the dirt about 3 inches deep then called it a day with the yard, it was getting kind of late and we had a dinner party to be at so we washed up and drove to her friend's house about 45 minutes South. I got to meet her friend of 20+ years...It was a really good night with drinking and poker a birthday and lots of "do you remember" good times. It was nice to meet my good friend's older friend, almost like you get to meet another part of someone's life... Well I was sober Bob so I drove home and we got back to my place a little after 3am. Then like a flash Sunday began. I woke up first so I went and got coffee and donuts for me and my friend then the yard work started again. We redug the area deeper this time (about 6-9 inches), that dirt was so hard... I had two neighbors asking me if I wanted help...Grown men after 10 minutes gave up but commented how badass we were for doing it...We did it in record time I think we both got out some anger on that dirt :) (It's okay it's not hurt) That dirt had been sitting there for so long baking in the sun that it was like hardened clay (even after all that watering!) We turned it all and planted seeds for grass then stomped on it and watered it some more, I am really hoping that in a month I will have some plush nice grass in that area! Everybody hope it grows for me, good thoughts! I am going to fertilize it tomorrow when I have more time to stop by the garden store again, and go by another nursery to find the plants that I want. We had planned to clean my carpets this weekend but we kinda just ran with the yard instead. Mid Sunday after we finished in the yard we took my bunny (Yes I have a pet bunny, she is very cute!) to get her nails trimmed and her groomed. After that we went to a baby shower and stayed there most of the night, it was a huge party! They even had a taco stand come and serve food, how funny is that! The house they had it at was beautiful! We had a good time and got home after dark. I stopped by the store and picked up a couple of things for my bunny then went back to the house and we talked well into the morning...she was wondering why I have been so quite lately and how I have been with all the crap happening. I had a really good weekend and only ended up with a couple of blisters on my hands and some lightly sore muscles from the work...The weekend went by way too quickly and I am hoping the week flys by...next weekend I am driving up North for my Sister's baby shower, yeah!

Addendum...pic for Kathi...

Here goes...a little about me

Warning this may be a depressing post for some...or it may be nothing that really interests you, if so click next blog my feelings won’t be hurt.


This is about my Dad, I struggled with the idea of putting this up here or not mainly because it is something very personal to me. I write when I am hurt, it allows me to regurgitate how I feel and let go. It sort of feels like something consuming you and swirling around your head then you write it down and suddenly you feel better because it is somewhere other than your head. Or the frustration you feel towards someone and you feel better (even though it is not the best way to handle it) when you just yell, tell them how you feel. Well writing is me yelling...I have written many letters to people that were never delivered but I felt better still.


Because this is my stream of consciousness it may not flow very well or make much sense to someone outside of the relationship I have with my Dad or not knowing either of us...I am writing this because it is time, I don’t need sympathy or apologies that is not what I am after here but thank you in advance for your concern. I will be just fine. I just need to write to heal a little...


I mentioned in an earlier post that family can hurt you the worst. Well in my experience they can. My Dad has not exactly been the most supportive or honest person in my life. I feel rather guilty and cruel saying this but he makes it very hard for me to love him, I hate to say that "if" he were not my Dad I think that I would not have him in my life nor would I love him. To say that aloud is painful, it hurts my core to know that I feel that way about my own flesh and blood. I feel like it is turning my back on someone who is supposed to be a key person in your life...you know Daddy’s girl...sadly it was hard to feel that...


A little background; My parents split when I was 5...up until that point it had not been a happy marriage, both my parents were ummm 24 or 25 I think at that point, my mom had 3 kids (I was the baby and the only from my parents) My two other siblings have different Dads. Please don’t judge my mom on her choices, I love her dearly and she did the very best that she knew how, she is an amazingly strong woman.


I was born breech, butt first folded in half. I almost killed my mom, she nearly bled to death. I have some deep Indian and spiritual roots and my Aunt tells me this was me not wanting to me born. My mom’s entire pregnancy was rough with me and now in birth it continued. When they brought me home I had sleep apnea, I would stop breathing in my sleep. Attempts at suicide, maybe? My mom got a call from an Aunt late on night and she told my mom to run into my room because she could feel that I wasn’t breathing. She was right, she also told my mom to have me sleep in the same bed as her. I stopped doing that when I slept in my parents bed, maybe I felt safe? Don’t know...Then up until I was 5 (when they split) I was a very sick child. I had chronic kidney and bladder infections, I would get dangerously high fevers at the drop of a dime any random time day or night regularly and was rushed to the hospital at least once a month. I was hospitalized many times and the doctors never could figure out what was wrong with me, I was prodded and poked to no end...after my parents split it stopped completely. Bam. Gone. It was my bodies way of dealing with high stress. Deep Pain. I know cause it has since happened once or twice in my adult-ish life from certain traumas. I would say it has only been in the last 5 or 6 years that I have been able to remember things that happened in my life before the age of five. My mind blocked the pain away until I was ready to deal with it I suppose. After the divorce it didn’t get much easier, to put it plainly I was in custody battles from age 5 until age 12 or 13. That is a long time for two people to fight and hate each other in my book. I was stuck in the middle of it all.


How my Dad made me feel recently took me back to those times after our every other weekend visits where I would collapse in the entryway floor in my mother’s lap and cry for hours. I felt so alone and so guilty for so long. Art and poetry proved to be my only release. I remember there being a time when I would wish on falling stars, to Santa and on Birthday candles for my parents to get back together and make all the madness stop. Sort of pathetic I know but I was a kid and I truly felt like somehow it was all my fault. My mom would trash talk my Dad and my Dad would trash talk my mom, they would fight and argue over me, it was a vicious debilitating cycle. I remember my Dad verbally manipulating me in anyway that he could, he has always been a more selfish person. He would tell me that I never really loved him because I lived with my mom instead of him and how evil my mom was...it all really hurt. I was scared to say no to say yes to make any real choice because I so desperately needed to be loved by both my parents. I was extremely lost, confused and in pain for most of my years. I would pack a bag in the middle of the night to run away from it all and sit on the front porch crying for hours until sunrise because I had no where to go...this is just some of the crap that has made me and you know if given the chance I don’t think I would take any of it back. My trials have made me who I am today and they have molded me special. My background has been a driving force for me to be better and make the world better, it has matured me and shaped what I want to be when I grow up. I would not change any of it. It took a very long time for me to say that and really believe it, and you know there are still times when it hurts but I have to learn and move on. I know that given the circumstances my parents did the best they could with what they had to work with and it does no good to regret what has made me me. I have wished for a very long time now that my Dad would become a better person. Unfortunately he proved me wrong once again.

Since this is getting so long I will post the rest later.

Hehe

That was a fun B-day...

I made a wish...hope it comes true

REmix

Let me just say that drunk blogging being horny, drunk (two bottles of chard, three 7&7's and a beer..well duh and on my birthday...sorry you gotta wait till I recover tomorrow...damn what a night...