Sometimes I just can't shake the overwhelming sense that I am loosing a battle, failure. I am not even sure specifically what I am failing at..Well there are a few things that I am not very happy with at all but this feeling I don't think is based in all that mess. It is demonstrative to me, stops me in my tracks, stomps my self esteem, my focus and my positive wellbeing.
I really hate this whatever this thing is, it makes me feel like I am going crazy and that there is something wrong with me, why can't I finish anything? Why am I only where I am at and not further in life? Is there any end in sight? Should I just give up now since I probably won't reach any of my goals anyway? A swirl of negative thinking that I try not to entertain yet can consume me none the less. Utter frustration. A pound in my head and a sink in my heart. I can't stand feeling like this.
Then as suddenly as it came it leaves. I just don't get it. I know I have a lot of myself that I need to work on and I have so long of a journey to travel to get there but sometimes I wish I weren't so alone in all this.
I hate that money has to control so many things. I think it is truly the center of most evil and greed. I much prefer a simpler life and I hate that I buy into consumer's so often.
Someone once told me that we hate in others what we most dislike in ourselves. If this is true I do not like the person I am. I hope this is not true.
When will this ache and hole in my heart die? Does it fester and grow and why can't I stop it? Will I ever be whole? Will I ever be complete and if I won't will that someone be able to piece me back together...To the resemblances that I once was...Do I really even want that?
I wonder sometimes what my life would have been like if I had said yes to the marriage proposal I got 6 years ago. Was I ready for it? No. Did I love him? Yes. Did he love me? I don't know... I know my life would have been different, maybe easier. I would have been "taken care of" which is not really what I want, maybe is nice but not what I look for. God he was gorgeous; he was a taller Tyson Beckford without the gap in his teeth, I think he had almost no body fat and made me feel like I was the most beautiful thing he had seen. Older than me and almost everything I loved in a man. But I said no, I wasn't ready. He didn't wait, I guess he really didn't love me.
What is it about finding that person you click with so hard? I am tired of hearing my friends ask me why I am single and how they can't wait for me to find that person; it sort of makes me feel rushed. I can't wait to find that person either but it takes time, love grows it is just not "found", the found is lust. Sure I lust for a lot of people but rarely act on it, sex with someone, when they are still an anyone gets messy. People play games and are rarely honest. It breaks me, I want honesty. I keep it real, I'll tell you how I feel and be frank with you even if it might hurt feelings and I expect the same but have yet to find it, so I don't play the game...Unless it's monopoly, bones or cards keep me out of your games. It is just not fair to anyone involved.
Why do people feel the need to be petty and childish? I hate that.
My heart feels like it dies a little bit everyday. Just a drop or so. Little things affect me, I get sad when I see the same homeless people on my way home each night. I can't help but think that it could easily be me. One thing could happen and I could be homeless, so easily. I want to take them home, give them a nice hot shower and some clean clothes with a hardy meal. Then I realize that I can't really do that and it make me sad, a little piece of me dies. I realize that I don't know their situation and maybe they have had the opportunity but didn't take it. I don't know, then I think well they could be crazy and if I help them they could hurt me. Is this me being selfish?
I think of all the friends that have burned me, and I still wonder what some of them are up to, wonder if they turned out okay and how their lives have turned out. It makes me sad that they were willing to take advantage of me so easily, I loved them for who they were but I guess I failed to see who they really were. A little piece of me dies. I still miss some of them.
I wish my sister could see just how beautiful she really is. My whole life I wanted to look like her, be like her. She is amazing inside and out yet she feels like noone will love her, and I just don't get it. She chooses to stay in an abusive relationship and even brought news of a baby on the way. Six years she's stayed on and off and he still treats her very badly. I wish she could see the light inside of herself, God is it beautiful. I really pray that she can find what she has been searching for. Maybe the love from this baby will be enough to fill her heart and make her realize that she deserves better and if it is not for her at least for her baby. I love her to the end of the earth and would kill for her without hesitating. I wish she could love herself. A chunk of me dies with her.
Sometimes I feel like I am just fooling myself and a little piece of me dies. I am nothing special, nothing the world hasn't seen. Then someone lifts me and carries me a little, they tell me I am rare and capable of great things. It is like a bandaid on my heart.
Why is it that my tears make me weak and the lump in my throat is my own instability. When will my tears allow me to release and exhale instead of pounding the pain deeper in my heart, swallowing the hurt instead of letting go. A little piece of me dies everytime I cry, almost as if I admit defeat. I know this isn't healthy.
I worry about people and things I hardly know. People I just meet. Situations I observe. Not to the point that I get ulcers or anything but my wheels turn and turn and I get feelings and I worry. Little pieces of me die. I worry for them. I hope that they are safe and that things in their life will be easier for them.
Do people pray for me? And why does thinking that someone may pray for me make a lump in my throat. Does my own pride to be independent and strong keep me at a distance with people? Do I prevent people from loving and caring about me when I give my all to them? Why is it so hard to receive?
Gawd sometimes I think of how lame I am and really all my contemplation I am sure is not original; sometimes I thnk it is just a stage of growing up and finding out who you are. I once had an old Chinese man look at my signature and tell me that I was going to have to struggle thru life if I did not change my signature, it haunts me a little that I never changed it.
I wonder why I never died all those times I should have. Why I was allowed to breath again, what am I here for to still do? I should be dead and really never thought I would still be alive at my age.
I feel like I leave pieces of me all over, and little pieces of me die all the time. When do I reach the point when I finally die and when I get there will I have accomplished what I was supposed to do?
